My Sister
by n1nastill
Summary: A one shot showing how dying has affected Anna months after the great thaw.


Two months, it has been two months since 'the great thaw' and I am struggling, really struggling. I don't want to admit it, but being killed by your own sister does take its toll. Yes, I know she didn't mean it, but…I don't know, it's hard to unsee the darkness I saw when I froze, the silence, the nothingness, no Heaven and no Hell. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit and cry like a child.

And is what I have been doing, every night, sobbing. Wishing, but I am still yet to figure out what I am wishing for… all I know is, funnily enough, being killed is killing me. I spend the days hanging about the castle, helping Elsa with some duties, always with a smile on my face when inside I am rotting.

It's nice having my sister back, but bizarre, I had a routine and suddenly it is out of the window. I only see her at meal times and occasionally in the evening, but it is enough to confuse me every time I see her out of her bedroom or her study. On top of that we have to learn everything about each other, all over again. I only knew Elsa, the girl who used to like white chocolate and liked her sleep. Now she is Queen Elsa, who likes dark chocolate, the more bitter the better, and will relinquish sleep to get work done. I hate this, we feel like strangers, it moments like this that I hate my parents for locking Elsa away. I know Elsa said it was her choice to eventually completely lock herself away, but my parents put the fear in her, and for that, I will never forgive them. I miss them and wish they weren't dead, but, God they almost ruined our lives.

I am a horrible person, I shouldn't say I hate my parents, I'm sorry mama and papa, please forgive me. Is this who I am now, a girl who claims to hate her parents? I don't deserve to have been thawed.

* * *

I'm scared, so scared. I am staring at the candle on the edge of my bed, knowing I have to blow it out, but I can't. I am scared that the darkness will consume me and I'll never wake.

_Come on Anna, you can do it…no I can't._

_The night has never bothered you before, don't let it bother you now._

Every night I go through this ritual of psyching myself up to just blow out a little candle. Not once in these two months have I managed it, instead I stare at it until it finally extinguishes itself, then the panic sets in.

It starts with the memories of watching Hans about to strike Elsa, my chest burning from the cold, I am trying to hold back my screams of pure pain. My mind racing as I try as force my legs to move towards my sister, then all noise is sucked away…

Here they come, the tears. I died…I died. Please brain stop, stop it. Breathe, calm down, in and out…in and – nope not working. Oh God, I can hear her, Elsa, please, stop crying, stop it.

_STOP IT!_

I need to get out, I need Elsa…she will still be awake, she will have light.

The hallway is getting smaller, it's so dark…I'm getting dizzy.

_No, keep going Anna – Elsa's room is just there, just two more steps._

_Her door – just knock, you know she will answer now, please just knock. You need her. There we go, just gently rasp your knuckles against the door. Keep holding on, don't cry, don't pass out, just stay there._

_She's not coming, is she? No, maybe she didn't hear you, knock again._

"Elsa?"

I can hear footsteps, "Anna? Anna, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Crying? I'm not crying, am I? Oh gosh, I am, I must look so pathetic. Anna, look, Elsa is offering you a hug, take it.

Elsa is so cold – I mean, she is warm in the terms of she gives nice hugs, but her body temperature, it's not comforting. I claw at her back as if trying to sap any heat she has into my own body, but it's not working, panic is setting in quicker. All I see is the darkness in her room, she must have been asleep but I don't care that I've woken her up, all I care about it the swirling void of negative thoughts and memories inside me.

I need light… warmth, Elsa is neither of those things. She did this to me.

_No Anna, don't think that, just calm down._

God, I can't. I'm sorry Elsa, but I need to leave.

"Anna?" Oh look at those eyes, she looks so worried. "Anna, where are you going?"

I'm running, I'm running from…everything. I am doing exactly what Elsa did, but I don't care. I can't be here, in these halls, near her cold body. I am so sorry.

_Just keep running, don't stop until you are at the lighthouse, the only place in Arendelle that is always light._

* * *

The lighthouse, oh thank goodness. I can't help but collapse when I reach the top, clinging onto the edge of the lamp, my eyes burning as I stare into the flame. This burning is better than the ice one that claimed my heart.

_The ice put there by your own sister._

Please tears, stop.

Please thoughts, leave me alone.

"Anna?"

Her arms are wrapped around me once again, I push her away, I can't – I can't have her near me. What if she hurts me again? No she would never do that again, would she? Look at her Anna, please, she is worried about you. She loves you, she doesn't want to hurt you. "Elsa – please…"

"What Anna?" There is panic in her voice.

Don't hurt me... "Please, leave me alone." I want to take what I said back the moment it left my mouth, but I can't. My body is acting on its own, pushing Elsa's thin frame away from me.

"Why? What's wrong?"

I am so pathetic, curling up in ball like a mistreated animal who is terrified of their owner. That is all I am, a pet for Elsa, a girl who would bend over backwards to do anything, even sacrifice herself for her own sister only to be killed by the same girls ice. All because of love. If this is love, I don't want it, I don't want to die like that again.

_She is staring at you, you aren't answering._

"Anna?"

"The darkness."

_Anna, you can't tell her, she will push you away. No, I need to tell her, I need to tell anyone..._

Her hands are shaking, unsure if she should touch me or not. I myself are conflicted as to whether I want her hands on me or not. "Darkness?"

"I – I just – its – oh God – " Great I am hyperventilating.

_Calm down Anna, please._

"Anna, calm down. Just breathe."

"You." I might have sounded a bit angry there, I'm sorry Elsa.

"Me?"

"You – you – " No tears, don't come out again.

_Keep your eyes fixed on Elsa, focus Anna, please._

"You killed me."

Elsa, please don't look at me like that. I didn't mean to hurt you. No, no, don't leave…

"Elsa, please…"

"Please, what? Stay? Why would I stay if you are just going to make me feel bad?"

Elsa… "Elsa!"

I can feel ice creeping under my body, she is angry…no not angry, hurt, all because I don't know how to explain something rationally. I am so cold, the flame has gone out – she froze it over. "El – Elsa."

I can't stop shaking, not again, not the ice, not the darkness. "Please." My body can't control itself anymore, I feel sick. "Elsa." My voice is less than a whimper, repeating her name over and over, each time becoming more desperate. She comes back, my sister comes back.

"Oh God, Anna, are you okay?"

"I – I can't sleep. I can't eat." I grip onto her nightgown, nearly ripping it to shreds in fear of losing control of my mind, Elsa is the only thing keeping me anchored, stopping me from slipping away.

I can tell she has a million questions she wants to ask me, but she just listens. "I am so scared the darkness will take me again."

"What darkness?"

"Death." I can hear Elsa swallowing, her body starting to heave as her breaths become shorter.

"I'm scared – I'm scared the ice will take over, will hurt me again. I can't go back there Elsa." My tears are like a waterfall, unstoppable. Anna, calm down, you are wetting Elsa with your tears. "Please, don't let it take me."

Her hushes remind me of mama's, even the way she is cradling me, rocking me back and forth is the same as how mama used to comfort me. Her arms around me and her forehead against mine, this proves to me that Elsa is here for me…finally.

_She was always there for you Anna, you know it. You are just too scared to see it._

"Don't worry Anna, I've got you." I don't know why, but those words are so familiar, so comforting.

"Elsa, I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me."

She's chuckling, how can she be chuckling? "Do you want to stay with me tonight?"

Yes, but I can't stay in the dark, "Will you light a candle?"

"Of course I will Anna, anything for you. And if you want, tomorrow we can build a snowman. It has been too long since we have."

Elsa knows how to make me feel better, I need to remember that. Her shutting me out wasn't her fault, freezing my heart wasn't her fault, my current mental state wasn't her fault, none of it was, she couldn't hurt a fly – at least not on purpose.

* * *

It's been a year since my little episode in the lighthouse and things are almost back to normal, I say normal but I have no idea what that means. I spend most nights sharing a bed with Elsa, much like we did as children, except often it results in her holding my hand, wiping my tears and singing back to sleep. She even put a bed back in my room for those nights I am too fidgety to sleep with, but too broken to be alone.

The nightmares, the memories and the feeling of burning ice inside my heart hasn't stopped, but it has reduced. I only cry at least once a week now instead of every night, and I don't need a candle anymore, but Elsa keeps one lit as a comfort for me.

She has been spending more time with me as well during the day, it's reassuring to know I am loved and she is there to look out for me. I honestly don't know how I managed to live without her for so long.

She is my light.

My warmth.

My sister.


End file.
